This is the beginning. The introduction to who I am. It's a very experimental track, which sounds like a big mix of different tunes. It sounds more like an attempt, not like a finished song.
I recorded the vocals first - more like an improvisation. I was singing what I was thinking and feeling in that moment. I never wrote the words down (that's the reason why there are no lyrics for this song). When I finished recording the vocals, I put them on my mp3 and listened to them while I was playing on my keyboard. The notes were coming and I was recording.
The lyrics are difficult to hear. The only thing you can understand good enough is the "wake me up"-line.
And that is the most important line out of the track.
This song is about "waking up". It is about taking everything you have inside and to let it out. It is the awakening.
Mittwoch, 16. September 2009
Guardian Angel
The Flowers
The flowers you gave me are rotting
and still I refuse to throw them away.
Some of the bulbs never opened quite fully
They might so i'm waiting and staying awake.
Things I have loved i'm allowed to keep
I'll never know if I go to sleep.
The papers around me are piling
and twisting regina the paper back mummy
what then.
I'm taking the knife to the books that I own
and chopping and chopping and boiling soup from stone.
Things I have loved i'm allowed to keep.
I'll never know if I go to sleep.
Things I have loved i'm allowed to keep.
I'll never know if I go to sleep.
...
This song is a cover of Regina Spektor and I wanted to have it on this album, because it means a lot to me.
I think that everyone knows how it is to be losing something important in their life and I feel that I've lost many. This song is the second on the record, because it is just a perfect follow up to "Guardian Angel", which is about opening up to who I am and to "wake me up", "The Flowers" shows a very emotional and "soft" side of who I am. It is a basic reflection about everything that happened in my life.
and still I refuse to throw them away.
Some of the bulbs never opened quite fully
They might so i'm waiting and staying awake.
Things I have loved i'm allowed to keep
I'll never know if I go to sleep.
The papers around me are piling
and twisting regina the paper back mummy
what then.
I'm taking the knife to the books that I own
and chopping and chopping and boiling soup from stone.
Things I have loved i'm allowed to keep.
I'll never know if I go to sleep.
Things I have loved i'm allowed to keep.
I'll never know if I go to sleep.
...
This song is a cover of Regina Spektor and I wanted to have it on this album, because it means a lot to me.
I think that everyone knows how it is to be losing something important in their life and I feel that I've lost many. This song is the second on the record, because it is just a perfect follow up to "Guardian Angel", which is about opening up to who I am and to "wake me up", "The Flowers" shows a very emotional and "soft" side of who I am. It is a basic reflection about everything that happened in my life.
The Eyes In The Darkness
You belong to me
I know that you won’t escape
You’re always close to me
You haunt me as a rape
I feel you inside of me
But all I feel is emptiness
I hold you deep inside of me
You spit me out
I’m your empty trash
You hold me deep within your mind
You follow me in the deepest dark
You know I feel you but I can’t find
The deep, your end, the lovely spark
You follow me step by step
You cross the street with gentle pep
You hear my whimpering inside the tears
But you enjoy my killing fears
You don’t want to leave me alone
You just go on and on and through the bone
I feel your breathing in the forest at night
And when I seek you, you just hide
You walk behind me
You follow my path
You won’t leave me be
You need to kill me
To free your wrath
“The dark thoughts went out of control”
The tears run out
And I scream out loud
But my scream is silence
My heart killed in violence
...
This song is about paranoia. You can divide the song in two parts. The a-side which is very gloomy and the electronical b-side.
In the a-side I wanted to show how a person is walking in the dark and feels observed by someone. The low pitched guitar represents the paranoia. The whispered poem represents the person in fear. While whispering those words, the person is frightened and wants to escape.
In the b-side the person starts to run and tries to escape. You can also say, that in the b-side the person is becoming free. But like there are a few words after the b-side, that turn out to be kind of an ending part, you'll have to realize, that the person wasn't able to escape.
I know that you won’t escape
You’re always close to me
You haunt me as a rape
I feel you inside of me
But all I feel is emptiness
I hold you deep inside of me
You spit me out
I’m your empty trash
You hold me deep within your mind
You follow me in the deepest dark
You know I feel you but I can’t find
The deep, your end, the lovely spark
You follow me step by step
You cross the street with gentle pep
You hear my whimpering inside the tears
But you enjoy my killing fears
You don’t want to leave me alone
You just go on and on and through the bone
I feel your breathing in the forest at night
And when I seek you, you just hide
You walk behind me
You follow my path
You won’t leave me be
You need to kill me
To free your wrath
“The dark thoughts went out of control”
The tears run out
And I scream out loud
But my scream is silence
My heart killed in violence
...
This song is about paranoia. You can divide the song in two parts. The a-side which is very gloomy and the electronical b-side.
In the a-side I wanted to show how a person is walking in the dark and feels observed by someone. The low pitched guitar represents the paranoia. The whispered poem represents the person in fear. While whispering those words, the person is frightened and wants to escape.
In the b-side the person starts to run and tries to escape. You can also say, that in the b-side the person is becoming free. But like there are a few words after the b-side, that turn out to be kind of an ending part, you'll have to realize, that the person wasn't able to escape.
Paper Tree
Here in my mind
It is this that leaves me behind
This feelings make me go blind
Though it’s you that fills me
From inside
It is you that captivates my mind
Destiny
Misery
Destiny
It is this for me
My mistery
A feeling so free
Illustrate me
On a paper tree
Hollow mind in a hollow life
In a hollow tribe
So sweet as wine
Do you know
What’s within?
It is this that leaves me behind
This feelings make me go blind
Though it’s you that fills me
From inside
It is you that captivates my mind
Destiny
Misery
Destiny
It is this for me
My mistery
A feeling so free
Illustrate me
On a paper tree
Hollow mind in a hollow life
In a hollow tribe
So sweet as wine
Do you know
What’s within?
What’s inside of me?
...
"Paper Tree" is bisexuality. Even if the lyrics seem to be about a person, the song is about the feelings that you face when you are bisexual. It is a constant "mistery" and it might seem like something strange for other people.
You
I will not pray for you
I will not cry for you
But I would fly to death
For you
My wings are breaking
For you
My toes are bleeding
For you
But the most I hate
Is loving you
And the most killing
Is needing you
And I just can’t run from you
And oh I will die for you
And the most hurting pain
Is seeing you
And still I mesmerize with you
And still I do belong to you
And I cannot escape from you
...
This song is about love and the obsession and pain it brings.
"You" is dedicated to a woman I loved and will always love.
I will not cry for you
But I would fly to death
For you
My wings are breaking
For you
My toes are bleeding
For you
But the most I hate
Is loving you
And the most killing
Is needing you
And I just can’t run from you
And oh I will die for you
And the most hurting pain
Is seeing you
And still I mesmerize with you
And still I do belong to you
And I cannot escape from you
...
This song is about love and the obsession and pain it brings.
"You" is dedicated to a woman I loved and will always love.
Schizoprenia
There have been a couple of people asking me what this song is about. In fact, there is a lot of space for intepretation.
I wanted to make a song that shows what this mental illness is about. Not because I am schizophrenic, but because I have a fascination about psychology and personal disorders. One day I was walking around and I thought about schizophrenia. I made a couple of researches and I thought that it was very interesting to think about how these people feel like.
So I thought about making this song and I started to record all these different "lalala"'s. It starts by one single persona and from time to time more and more appear. In between of those "lalala"'s, you can hear some different things, like "piece of shit" and "kill yourself". Those aspects show how a schizophrenic person has to deal with the disease, by being forced by someone else, to act in a way they do not want to. In the end of the song there are all these different sounds overlapping and it stops apruptly, which can show the death or the new beginning of that person.
But as I said, there is a lot of space for interpretation. You can say that this song reflects how I stand in between of a lot of different things. I was born in Germany as a son of portuguese immigrants, so there is already this double culture and also the point, that I do belong to both of the places and that I probably would not be happy if I would just live in one place. I would always miss the other one.
You can also say, that this song talks about my bisexuality. I do not want to make a decision whether I want to have a girl- or a boyfriend, because I feel attracted to both of the sexes. There are some more points that show me in between of two (or more) different things. So this song could be about my difficulty of making a decision or the difficulty of living as being a bi-person (not just as bisexual, but as bicultural and so on).
A good friend of mine also said that this song could show the society we live in nowadays. It shows how a routine exists by the way that we live. We are born, go to school, we work and have our daily routine. It shows how mad this whole situation is. In fact, some people want to escape out of this routine, but unfortunately they can't and this is what is making us crazy.
I wanted to make a song that shows what this mental illness is about. Not because I am schizophrenic, but because I have a fascination about psychology and personal disorders. One day I was walking around and I thought about schizophrenia. I made a couple of researches and I thought that it was very interesting to think about how these people feel like.
So I thought about making this song and I started to record all these different "lalala"'s. It starts by one single persona and from time to time more and more appear. In between of those "lalala"'s, you can hear some different things, like "piece of shit" and "kill yourself". Those aspects show how a schizophrenic person has to deal with the disease, by being forced by someone else, to act in a way they do not want to. In the end of the song there are all these different sounds overlapping and it stops apruptly, which can show the death or the new beginning of that person.
But as I said, there is a lot of space for interpretation. You can say that this song reflects how I stand in between of a lot of different things. I was born in Germany as a son of portuguese immigrants, so there is already this double culture and also the point, that I do belong to both of the places and that I probably would not be happy if I would just live in one place. I would always miss the other one.
You can also say, that this song talks about my bisexuality. I do not want to make a decision whether I want to have a girl- or a boyfriend, because I feel attracted to both of the sexes. There are some more points that show me in between of two (or more) different things. So this song could be about my difficulty of making a decision or the difficulty of living as being a bi-person (not just as bisexual, but as bicultural and so on).
A good friend of mine also said that this song could show the society we live in nowadays. It shows how a routine exists by the way that we live. We are born, go to school, we work and have our daily routine. It shows how mad this whole situation is. In fact, some people want to escape out of this routine, but unfortunately they can't and this is what is making us crazy.
Japanese Drums
Shake down with a dribble of water
Pretend an ultimate hara-kiri
A paramour stalk, a garland
Cushioned by a roistering, uptowns and nosebags
A spiritual mate
Sensuous blunder
Maelstrom handling
Servile
Uppercut
Purser
A dental hygienist
A sedentary argument
My portfolio
Cognitively
A suckering broken patrolwoman
...
This song is about darkness and specially about the darkness inside of all of us. It talks about desires, blood, sadomasochism, death, ...
The line refering to the act of hara-kiri (also knows as "seppuku"), shows how intense this feeling can be and how immoral and (in a sort of way) filthy those desires and feelings are.
I wanted to put just the drums and the vocals to the song, to show the hardness of this feeling. Maybe it sounds a little incomplete, as you could put on more instruments, such as a guitar or a violine. But if I would have done this, this song would not show the fact, that most of the times, those acts end up being only a fantasy. Such as the violine I could have add. The song should take you to a dark place, something like a torture cellar with a lot of red lights and spooky people that are watching you. The people are telling you, that what you want to do is bad, but the feelings and the will to act this way is still inside of you and you know that you cannot control it.
Pretend an ultimate hara-kiri
A paramour stalk, a garland
Cushioned by a roistering, uptowns and nosebags
A spiritual mate
Sensuous blunder
Maelstrom handling
Servile
Uppercut
Purser
A dental hygienist
A sedentary argument
My portfolio
Cognitively
A suckering broken patrolwoman
...
This song is about darkness and specially about the darkness inside of all of us. It talks about desires, blood, sadomasochism, death, ...
The line refering to the act of hara-kiri (also knows as "seppuku"), shows how intense this feeling can be and how immoral and (in a sort of way) filthy those desires and feelings are.
I wanted to put just the drums and the vocals to the song, to show the hardness of this feeling. Maybe it sounds a little incomplete, as you could put on more instruments, such as a guitar or a violine. But if I would have done this, this song would not show the fact, that most of the times, those acts end up being only a fantasy. Such as the violine I could have add. The song should take you to a dark place, something like a torture cellar with a lot of red lights and spooky people that are watching you. The people are telling you, that what you want to do is bad, but the feelings and the will to act this way is still inside of you and you know that you cannot control it.
Thank You
There is one thing
I just do miss
Only one thing that I can’t resist
It is your love
It is your love
And I long for your embrace
You know that I need you so much my love, my dear
I just need you here, I just need to say one thing to you
I need to thank you
Because I feel your love
The darkness in my heart
For a moment apart
You keep me inside your wings
You know that I love you
So much that it makes me cry
Never one goodbye
Listen to my lullaby
You know that there are no words
To say how much you mean
to me
No words to express
This is for you
You are my friend
You know you can count on me
The way I do, counting on you
I do need you
I care for you
I don’t want to live without you
Can you feel my soul?
It is safe by your side
Like a butterfly
Beauty in your eye
Always you and I
I need to thank you
Because I feel your love
All the tears I cried
You just made them die
You keep me inside your mind
And when I was down
You knew how to make me smile
Like in a fairytale, you dedicated me your life
I just don’t know how to give you that love back again
Oh I have to thank you for walking with me this hard road
I’ll keep you with me inside my heart, closed, warm
I’ll never leave you alone on your path
You are my shining star
Coming from afar
I’m gonna raise a tune
To make the scar
Bleed and jar
There’s no escape out of that damn state I’m in
And I will begin to raise my voice out to you
I love you
Please don’t cry for me
I’m thankful to be
By your side
In your life
I do love you
I just do miss
Only one thing that I can’t resist
It is your love
It is your love
And I long for your embrace
You know that I need you so much my love, my dear
I just need you here, I just need to say one thing to you
I need to thank you
Because I feel your love
The darkness in my heart
For a moment apart
You keep me inside your wings
You know that I love you
So much that it makes me cry
Never one goodbye
Listen to my lullaby
You know that there are no words
To say how much you mean
to me
No words to express
This is for you
You are my friend
You know you can count on me
The way I do, counting on you
I do need you
I care for you
I don’t want to live without you
Can you feel my soul?
It is safe by your side
Like a butterfly
Beauty in your eye
Always you and I
I need to thank you
Because I feel your love
All the tears I cried
You just made them die
You keep me inside your mind
And when I was down
You knew how to make me smile
Like in a fairytale, you dedicated me your life
I just don’t know how to give you that love back again
Oh I have to thank you for walking with me this hard road
I’ll keep you with me inside my heart, closed, warm
I’ll never leave you alone on your path
You are my shining star
Coming from afar
I’m gonna raise a tune
To make the scar
Bleed and jar
There’s no escape out of that damn state I’m in
And I will begin to raise my voice out to you
I love you
Please don’t cry for me
I’m thankful to be
By your side
In your life
I do love you
...
This song is for the most amazing people I've met in my life. It is a lovesong for my friends in Germany, who I had to leave, because I moved to Lisbon. It's a very personal and important song for me and I think the lyrics speak for themselves.
Lament On Strings
I recorded this song on Christmas 2007. For me Christmas is a time, where I want to be with my family and where I want to enjoy a warm hearted and quiet time. But since I was in Portugal with my parents... and in case you don't know, Portuguese people tend to be very spirited and like to talk louder than it is usual... it wasn't the "silent night" it was supposed to be. Everyone was eating and talking without really listening to what others were saying. It was a big noisy chaos were the main topics were food and soccer.
I was really stressed by the whole situation. I went to my bedroom without even saying anything to the people (I think they did not even notice it) and recorded this in one take.
I think it is noticeable that I was frustrated and angry.
Foolish Games
Hold on
Wake me up from this piece of pretense
It’s killing me
Once again
I better bleed
Than to lose this hand
I guess that this is what I never was able
To figure out
To lose a doubt
Free me out
Breaking out loud
Ref:
Take away of me your foolish games
I’ll bleed to know you faced
All this things I’d give as my last shames
They’ve gone away
Your rose remains
I’m small
Seems that I crawl
You’re ice
And I am the fire that isn’t able to break you in two
...
This song is about a friend of mine, that made me go through very hard times.
He was able to see who I really am on the inside and I felt that he was using this to manipulate me. Even tough it made me feel uncomfortable, I needed this sort of feelings and with this I was stuck in his spiderweb. He was always stronger than me and I wasn't able to break the chain he was pulling around me.
I learned a lot from him and without him I would not be who I am now.
Wake me up from this piece of pretense
It’s killing me
Once again
I better bleed
Than to lose this hand
I guess that this is what I never was able
To figure out
To lose a doubt
Free me out
Breaking out loud
Ref:
Take away of me your foolish games
I’ll bleed to know you faced
All this things I’d give as my last shames
They’ve gone away
Your rose remains
I’m small
Seems that I crawl
You’re ice
And I am the fire that isn’t able to break you in two
...
This song is about a friend of mine, that made me go through very hard times.
He was able to see who I really am on the inside and I felt that he was using this to manipulate me. Even tough it made me feel uncomfortable, I needed this sort of feelings and with this I was stuck in his spiderweb. He was always stronger than me and I wasn't able to break the chain he was pulling around me.
I learned a lot from him and without him I would not be who I am now.
Balada Em Fá Menor
não sei,
não sei o que fiz
não sei,
não sei o que eu disse
não sei para aonde vou
deixei e aqui
fiquei
enterrado em friura
embalado em compaixão
deitado em amargura
não sei o quanto eu vou andar
para chegar a esta ilusão
refrão:
e se quiser fugir
não fujo, não temo
só tenho que dizer
que vou sobreviver
e nunca mais esquecer
o que fui
o que sou
e o que menti
e depois chegaste aqui
e eu perdi
o que tinha
levei o que vinha
e fiquei
deixei
abalei
matei
tudo
muito mais
ímpio
refrão
fugi eu fugi
eu temi, perdi
e digo que eu sobrevivi
e não esqueci
o que fui
o que sou
e o que senti
...
translation:
Don’t know
Don’t know what I did
Don’t know
Don’t know what I said
Don’t know where I go
I left and here
I stood
Buried in coldness
Cradled in compassion
Lying in bitterness
Don’t know how much I have to walk
To achieve this illusion
Chorus:
And if I want to run away
I don’t run, don’t fear
Just have to say
That I will survive
And never forget
What I was
What I am
What I lied
And then you arrived here
And I lost
What I had
I took what came
And stood
Left
Went away
Killed
Everything
More
Godless
Chorus
Fled, I fled
I feared, lost
And say that I survivrd
And didn’t forget
What I was
What I am
What I felt
não sei o que fiz
não sei,
não sei o que eu disse
não sei para aonde vou
deixei e aqui
fiquei
enterrado em friura
embalado em compaixão
deitado em amargura
não sei o quanto eu vou andar
para chegar a esta ilusão
refrão:
e se quiser fugir
não fujo, não temo
só tenho que dizer
que vou sobreviver
e nunca mais esquecer
o que fui
o que sou
e o que menti
e depois chegaste aqui
e eu perdi
o que tinha
levei o que vinha
e fiquei
deixei
abalei
matei
tudo
muito mais
ímpio
refrão
fugi eu fugi
eu temi, perdi
e digo que eu sobrevivi
e não esqueci
o que fui
o que sou
e o que senti
...
translation:
Don’t know
Don’t know what I did
Don’t know
Don’t know what I said
Don’t know where I go
I left and here
I stood
Buried in coldness
Cradled in compassion
Lying in bitterness
Don’t know how much I have to walk
To achieve this illusion
Chorus:
And if I want to run away
I don’t run, don’t fear
Just have to say
That I will survive
And never forget
What I was
What I am
What I lied
And then you arrived here
And I lost
What I had
I took what came
And stood
Left
Went away
Killed
Everything
More
Godless
Chorus
Fled, I fled
I feared, lost
And say that I survivrd
And didn’t forget
What I was
What I am
What I felt
Bloody Piano Pedal
I pushed the button
I raped the cotton in my bed
You locked my chains
and spit into my head
Stars screaming
Complaining
Sluts my heroes
I’m freezing
Black’s passion
Torturing myself
Feeling lost
Without help
[Ghost Girl singing]
Want to bleed
Want to kill
Want to scream
Want to make you hurt
Want to die
Wand to fly away
I’m deceiving God
Did he made me this way?
Oh devils?
Oh Devils!
Hail my insanity!
Hail the production of fearing my corpse!
I raped the cotton in my bed
You locked my chains
and spit into my head
Stars screaming
Complaining
Sluts my heroes
I’m freezing
Black’s passion
Torturing myself
Feeling lost
Without help
[Ghost Girl singing]
Want to bleed
Want to kill
Want to scream
Want to make you hurt
Want to die
Wand to fly away
I’m deceiving God
Did he made me this way?
Oh devils?
Oh Devils!
Hail my insanity!
Hail the production of fearing my corpse!
...
"Bloody Piano Pedal" is about the black sheep in between of all the white sheeps. It is a statement about the society and the people that don't accept someone that is different.
But it is also about the feelings you have when you are different. It is questioning the complexion of the human being and the structure of evolution. How do you become the way you are? Why do you feel the way you feel? Could it be different? Could it be more "normal"?
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