my first album - guardian angel


in this blog i will introduce you to my first album.

It is a story about who I am and who I was.
Every song represents a certain part/facet of my life and leads into the song
"Balada em fá menor" - the heart of the record.


Tracklist as it follows:
1. guardian angel

2. the flowers
3. the eyes in the darkness

4. paper tree

5. you

6. schizophrenia

7. japanese drums

8. thank you

9. lament on strings

10. foolish games

11. balada em fá menor

12. bloody piano pedal

Download

Guardian Angel

This is the beginning. The introduction to who I am.  It's a very experimental track, which sounds like a big mix of different tunes. It sounds more like an attempt, not like a finished song.  
I recorded the vocals first - more like an improvisation. I was singing what I was thinking and feeling in that moment. I never wrote the words down (that's the reason why there are no lyrics for this song). When I finished recording the vocals, I put them on my mp3 and listened to them while I was playing on my keyboard. The notes were coming and I was recording. 
The lyrics are difficult to hear. The only thing you can understand good enough is the "wake me up"-line. 
And that is the most important line out of the track. 
This song is about "waking up". It is about taking everything you have inside and to let it out.  It is the awakening. 

The Flowers

The flowers you gave me are rotting
and still I refuse to throw them away.
Some of the bulbs never opened quite fully
They might so i'm waiting and staying awake.

Things I have loved i'm allowed to keep
I'll never know if I go to sleep.

The papers around me are piling
and twisting regina the paper back mummy
what then.
I'm taking the knife to the books that I own
and chopping and chopping and boiling soup from stone.

Things I have loved i'm allowed to keep.
I'll never know if I go to sleep.
Things I have loved i'm allowed to keep.
I'll never know if I go to sleep.

...

This song is a cover of Regina Spektor and I wanted to have it on this album, because it means a lot to me.
I think that everyone knows how it is to be losing something important in their life and I feel that I've lost many. This song is the second on the record, because it is just a perfect follow up to "Guardian Angel", which is about opening up to who I am and to "wake me up", "The Flowers" shows a very emotional and "soft" side of who I am. It is a basic reflection about everything that happened in my life.

The Eyes In The Darkness

You belong to me
I know that you won’t escape
You’re always close to me
You haunt me as a rape

I feel you inside of me
But all I feel is emptiness
I hold you deep inside of me
You spit me out
I’m your empty trash

You hold me deep within your mind
You follow me in the deepest dark
You know I feel you but I can’t find
The deep, your end, the lovely spark

You follow me step by step
You cross the street with gentle pep
You hear my whimpering inside the tears
But you enjoy my killing fears

You don’t want to leave me alone
You just go on and on and through the bone
I feel your breathing in the forest at night
And when I seek you, you just hide

You walk behind me
You follow my path
You won’t leave me be
You need to kill me
To free your wrath

“The dark thoughts went out of control”

The tears run out
And I scream out loud
But my scream is silence
My heart killed in violence

...

This song is about paranoia. You can divide the song in two parts. The a-side which is very gloomy and the electronical b-side.
In the a-side I wanted to show how a person is walking in the dark and feels observed by someone. The low pitched guitar represents the paranoia. The whispered poem represents the person in fear. While whispering those words, the person is frightened and wants to escape.
In the b-side the person starts to run and tries to escape. You can also say, that in the b-side the person is becoming free. But like there are a few words after the b-side, that turn out to be kind of an ending part, you'll have to realize, that the person wasn't able to escape.

Paper Tree

Here in my mind
It is this that leaves me behind
This feelings make me go blind

Though it’s you that fills me
From inside
It is you that captivates my mind

Destiny
Misery
Destiny
It is this for me
My mistery
A feeling so free
Illustrate me
On a paper tree

Hollow mind in a hollow life
In a hollow tribe
So sweet as wine

Do you know
What’s within?

What’s inside of me?

...

"Paper Tree" is bisexuality. Even if the lyrics seem to be about a person, the song is about the feelings that you face when you are bisexual. It is a constant "mistery" and it might seem like something strange for other people.

You

I will not pray for you
I will not cry for you 
But I would fly to death 
For you 

My wings are breaking 
For you 
My toes are bleeding 
For you 

But the most I hate 
Is loving you 
And the most killing 
Is needing you 

And I just can’t run from you 
And oh I will die for you
And the most hurting pain 
Is seeing you 

And still I mesmerize with you 
And still I do belong to you 
And I cannot escape from you

... 

This song is about love and the obsession and pain it brings. 
"You" is dedicated to a woman I loved and will always love. 

Schizoprenia

There have been a couple of people asking me what this song is about. In fact, there is a lot of space for intepretation.
I wanted to make a song that shows what this mental illness is about. Not because I am schizophrenic, but because I have a fascination about psychology and personal disorders. One day I was walking around and I thought about schizophrenia. I made a couple of researches and I thought that it was very interesting to think about how these people feel like.
So I thought about making this song and I started to record all these different "lalala"'s. It starts by one single persona and from time to time more and more appear. In between of those "lalala"'s, you can hear some different things, like "piece of shit" and "kill yourself". Those aspects show how a schizophrenic person has to deal with the disease, by being forced by someone else, to act in a way they do not want to. In the end of the song there are all these different sounds overlapping and it stops apruptly, which can show the death or the new beginning of that person.
But as I said, there is a lot of space for interpretation. You can say that this song reflects how I stand in between of a lot of different things. I was born in Germany as a son of portuguese immigrants, so there is already this double culture and also the point, that I do belong to both of the places and that I probably would not be happy if I would just live in one place. I would always miss the other one.
You can also say, that this song talks about my bisexuality. I do not want to make a decision whether I want to have a girl- or a boyfriend, because I feel attracted to both of the sexes. There are some more points that show me in between of two (or more) different things. So this song could be about my difficulty of making a decision or the difficulty of living as being a bi-person (not just as bisexual, but as bicultural and so on).
A good friend of mine also said that this song could show the society we live in nowadays. It shows how a routine exists by the way that we live. We are born, go to school, we work and have our daily routine. It shows how mad this whole situation is. In fact, some people want to escape out of this routine, but unfortunately they can't and this is what is making us crazy.